Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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