I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
