I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
