there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
