i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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