apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So much rum. So many feels.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
