So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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