K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
