I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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