you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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