u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
