i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
