My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
