and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
