having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
