I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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