I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
