never play flip cup with pint glasses
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
