Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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