I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
