hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
