Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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