btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
