I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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