I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
