i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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