first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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