I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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