Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
