i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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