So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
try to milk me bitch
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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