You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All the doctor said was why
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
