i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
