dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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