Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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