she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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