cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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