I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
