You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
