woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
