I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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