Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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