the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
