i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
