My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
