ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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