he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize