Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
