Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
