dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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