Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
