alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
