Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
