there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
