grandma shit on top of the toilet
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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