Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
