He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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