I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
