I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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