as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
