did you get engaged???
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i will never coherently bang her
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
